Stress Management Diary

In response to my last blog, I got an e-mail from a friend, asking: But HOW do you keep your confidence after redundancy?

 I think, confidence has a lot to do with the way we talk to ourselves. There is a constant commentary going on in the back of our minds, and this commentary can be uplifting or self-depreciating. The point is: You’ve got the choice. Whenever you catch yourself putting yourself down, stop it straight away and replace the negative statements with positive ones.

Remember a time or situation when you were confident. Remind yourself that confidence fluctuates naturally, what comes down will go up again.

Seek the company of people who make you feel good. Avoid moaners, groaners and blamers.

Keep up a routine. Set an alarm, shower, have breakfast, dress neatly, set yourself tasks for the day and follow them up. Look after your physical and mental well-being.

Start or pursue a hobby (or training or voluntary work) that is challenging and rewarding.

Assume a posture that communicates confidence. Just as we tend to slump when we feel low, it lifts the mood when we walk  with a straight back Smile. Look ahead rather than down.  Relax your shoulders. Breathe calmly and deeply.

You are not only an employee. You are a person. You are a daughter/son, a granddaughter/grandson, perhaps a spouse/partner, mother/father, godmother/godfather, friend, neighbour, club member etc. Remind yourself that you are still a valuable and important person in all these different roles.

Write down what you value in your best friend (apart from his/her job).

Write down what you value about yourself.

Say something nice to yourself each day before you go to bed.

Imagine you are your best friend. What other advice would you give yourself?

According to  The Work Foundation , up to 3 million people will be unemployed by the end of 2009, an increase of more than a million over the last year. Soon most of us will know someone who is out of work. Or we will be out of work. How does this job uncertainty affect our own work attitude? What can we say when we meet an ex-colleague?  Above all, in a society like ours, where jobs are closely linked to social status and personal identity, how can we keep our sense of self-worth? Redundancy will force us to look inside. If we don’t want to dispair we have to learn to appreciate ourselves, job or no job.

In my stress mangement seminars I sometimes show delegates a £20 note and ask them what it is worth. We usually agree that it is worth £20. I then fold up the note and ask how much it is worth now: £20. I then scrunch up the same note and ask what is is worth – the answer, of course, is still £20. No matter how life treats you, your self-worth does not change.

Yesterday was Stress Down Day, an initiative by the Samaritans to urge anyone with work or other concerns to seek support rather than letting problems get out of control. This is good advice. For many of us it comes quite naturally to share problems with family and friends, but it can be more difficult to ask for help at work. Here’s a few points to keep in mind:

1. Take a responsible and professional approach.
2. Follow company procedures. In many cases this means talking to your boss first (unless he/she is part of the problem in which case you may have to speak to their superior).
3. Don’t see them in the heat of the moment, let your emotions settle down first, and possibly discuss the matter with a friend first.
4. Avoid moaning, whinging and sulking, this is usually perceived as weak and inferior behaviour.
5. Avoid blaming because people feel attacked if you do so, and they will get defensive raher than co-operative.
6. Use “I” language, which means using statements like “I think, I have noticed, I find it difficult, I’d suggest, etc.  
7. Think about a possible solution in advance and present it by pointing out its benefits.
8. Listen to others’ point of view and don’t regard it as an attack on you personally.
9. Listen to others’ suggestions, they might work.
10. Remember: Nobody’s perfect.

“Are we becoming a nation of softies?”, the Times asked in an article on 31 January. Good question. I certainly agree that stress is not necessarily negative, but that it is part of our lives , it is inevitable and we probably couldn’t do without it. I also think that the word ‘stress’ is used excessively to mean almost everything. So the first question to ask yourself if you suffer from ’stress’ is: What exactly is the problem? Which situation (person, circumstances …) causes me difficulties? And what exactly is the difficulty? How do I feel about it? Try to do this without using the word ‘stress’. Once you’ve done this, it will be easier to start thinking about possible solutions.

With this blog I’d like to share my tips and strategies to cope with challenges, which I have developed as a person and therapist, and invite you to join me on my journey through the stress management jungle. I look forward to your comments!